Living between ‘Jesus, take the wheel’ and ‘Bitch, I wish you would.’

[Editor’s note: The title of this column isn’t original to me. Props to one of my favorite YouTubers, Jaime Primak Sullivan of “coffeetawk,” for her creative wording, which I remembered when trying to express my attitude on this. The gist is, “Don’t be mean, but keep your boundaries firm.”]

Have you ever listened to a motivational/inspirational/self-help speaker and felt an instant connection with the topic and the person? That was me on the way to work this morning, listening to life coach Lisa A. Romano’s talk on social bullies (embedded video below).

And then I did what I often do: Imagine myself in that conversation with just such a social bully. Endlessly. Over and over in my head until I’ve clarified my view, backed up when an approach wasn’t working or was vulnerable, and argued different ways until I pinpointed what I thought and how to communicate it most effectively. (It’s not like this is my actual strategy: I’m just explaining what I do naturally when I feel an “Oh, HELL no” trembling on my lips.)

This topic made me think of an unpleasant and socially awkward woman who was talking to me years ago, back when my children were little, early one evening before our knitting club meeting began. We were mentioning an annual local event that she helps to organize and that I often enjoy. I made the casual comment that my husband often buys the ticket for me as a birthday gift but I was forgoing it this year for something else. I said that someday I might even like to volunteer, although definitely not immediately with my time so limited. She leapt on that and told me when the next meeting was. I said whoa-whoa-whoa and clarified that I was talking about the distant future, when I had fewer obligations. The convention would still be around in years to come when my life was less demanding.

But she launched into a comment about another woman who helps organize the event, who leads a Brownie troop, works full time, is involved in her church, and has several children, and “SHE can handle it.” And then she looked at me smugly — leaning in almost hungrily — as if she had just done an end run around my argument and she “had” me.

I shuffled through several possible responses in my head while I looked at her with a pitying glance. You can tell how irritated I was by the hostile, dismissive and passive-aggressive responses that flashed through my mind. For example:

  • “You may expect me to stammer and make excuses, but that would presume that I owed you an excuse or even an explanation. You’re  imposing on my good nature by trying to shame me into participating.”
  • (A bark of lightly scornful laughter) “Oh, really. Does that usually work for you,” (making a little circle in the air toward her), “your hamhanded attempt at shame and manipulation? Try again with someone else, sister. Good luck with your little ‘event.'”
  • “You’re correct that I could do it. And I’m correct in explaining to you that I’m choosing not to at this time in my life. Is any part of that unclear to you now?”
  • “Where do you work, by the way?” (After listening to her response, then … ) “Oh, I just wondered. People who don’t understand social conventions and who aggressively pursue their agendas with other people way past the point of politeness are often highly frustrated people who are in low-lying positions.” (MEOW!)
  • “Expressing casual interest isn’t quite the same thing as sticking your foot in a bear trap, dear. You don’t have me in a death grip of commitment.”
  • “Yes, I’m very tempted. I imagine you’re a … joy … to work with. But I think not.”
  • “Well that may be, but that’s her choice and not mine. We all make decisions for our own lives, don’t we.” (Followed by a polite, distant smile that doesn’t quite reach my eyes.)

What I settled on was to chuckle (nicely, as if I felt a good humor I didn’t actually feel) and say something like this. “Well, bully for her, then. But she’s not me. And I decide how I spend my time. Maybe with your convention someday, but not soon. Good luck with it this year.” And I smiled and wandered away.

She just gaped at me long after that, standing rooted in one spot. And she kept looking at me oddly throughout the meeting that followed. (Seriously? Has no one ever told her no firmly and directly before?)  The gaping felt just as manipulative as her words. I wonder what kind of snit she would have thrown if I’d expressed the actual depth of my irritation toward her. But I chose not to give her the satisfaction of goading me.

I also had some thoughtful moments back at home later that night, ruminating about the hostility I felt and why this woman was so annoying to me. My emotions were honest; she really was attacking my walls. And I’m glad I was able to fake a good nature while presenting my genuine boundaries. But I realized I needed to work toward letting go of the bristly feelings when intrusive people do their thing.

Boy, I had to put THAT encounter out of mind about a million times. I’ve mentally reduced her to dust more than once, never quite feeling like I got actual resolution. Just a stalemate.

I’ve mentally polished that particular stone for a long time since then.

So what do you do when someone speaks to you disrespectfully, attempts to manipulate you, or tries to bully you in a social situation? How do you handle it? And do you ruminate afterward? How do you make mental peace with yourself and others afterwards? Tell me in the comments!

 

 

 

 

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Quickie: Reality checks for 03.30.17

NOM-NOM-NOM

Today’s reality checks. Just doing a quick driveby on the blog today!

Good

  • Had delicious breakfast from yogurt/fruit/nuts/grains extravaganza we call Swedish oatmeal. And chocolate-frosted cake and cheesecake muffins (with an Oreo on the bottom) are still players in the office fridge. Not to mention the slab of steak left over from last night’s dinner out. Birthday leftovers are the BEST.
  • Got my daily serving of a corny joke first thing, courtesy of younger daughter.

Meh

  • At work super early. I *love* riding in with my husband when we carpool. Not so much in love with the concepts of “rising early” and “morning.”
  • I’m wearing the farty sandals today (the snug-fitting heel makes a poofy little sigh with every step).

Boooooo

  • IBS, stop your rumblings! You are NOT on today’s agenda.

 

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Book review: “Every Day” by David Levithan

As young adult novels go, “Every Day” by David Levithan is a pleasant read. It’s one of the books that attracted me with its fascinating premise rather than its writing style, which is plain and sparse enough that the writing itself fades into the background of the story (and I’m fine with that).

The main character, “A,” wakes up in a different body each day and has done so since his/her earliest memories. His sex, gender identity, race, and mental/physical health conditions change according to the body occupied for the day. I’m going to say “he/his/him” for the rest of this review because that seemed to be his usual gender identity and also for simplicity’s sake in discussing this.

There are a few spoilers below (mostly just the first bullet). Don’t say I didn’t warn you. (But after all, this is a 2012 book, right?)

Things I liked

♥ His love interest, Rhiannon, realizes that love alone isn’t always enough to make a relationship work. More young women should be emotionally and mentally strong enough to separate “want” from “not good for me.” She’s honest when she tells him that the complications of his existence aren’t part of the life she wants. (Reminds me of when I broke up with a long-ago boyfriend who was a decent enough guy but not quite right for me. He was headed toward a future I didn’t want, and I didn’t see myself living a contented life with someone who “joked” by constantly putting me down. Dominance in the relationship was a must-have for him. Also, he felt as if I had to stay with him unless I convinced him that the decision was right, as if dating implies a marital contract and I required his permission to leave.)

♥ The book explores some of the “how” puzzles and the “what if” complications that make the premise so pleasing. What if that day’s body is depressed or injured? What’s his moral responsibility to save or help that person, or at least not fuck up that person’s life with the day’s actions? Does the person whose body is occupied retain any memories? What’s it like to be a gay person and feel utterly at home in that person’s skin? What’s the range of how far he jumps into another body? What if he’s not alone? Can he learn any control of the process? Are there others like him who haven’t developed a moral compass? How much does the mind have to struggle with the body and its needs, flaws or addictions? (Quite a lot, actually.)

♥ Getting it just right: The description of jumping into a suicidal girl’s life for a day felt very real.

♥ The book leaves some questions unanswered: I like not having every conclusion spoonfed to me, so my imagination can fill in the blanks. What’s the mechanism for his consciousness jumping? What in his life led him to have a moral compass? What are his views on religion? What has helped him cope with the loneliness? How did he escape becoming mentally ill?

♥ It wasn’t a Pollyanna ending. I’m usually ambivalent about endings that aren’t heartwarming, but this one worked, at least logically. He made a selfless decision that was right for the girl he loved, a decision that was true to his values. But my heart ached for hm just a little. It was a bittersweet ending, and I wanted a glimimer of happily-ever-after possibilities for him, even in the far future. (Then again, he’s just 16. There’s a lot of life ahead.)

Things that made me think “Meh”

♦ I didn’t like the cover. It looks like a fancy ARC rather than a fully designed book. It wasn’t enough to deter me from buying it, obviously, but I wouldn’t have explored this book if not for the recommendation of a reviewer I like.

The one thing I really detested

â™  The last quarter-inch thickness of pages is a separate prequel story about the same main character. So that meant that the ending sneaked up on me. SO disappointing when I was expecting a richer closure to the book. It just STOPPED. I wanted to pinch the author and drag him back to his keyboard and say, “No, no, no, no, no. Uh-uh. Get back to work, buddy. Seriously, damn it.”

Hmmpf. I’m still miffed.

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