10 Tips on Apologizing

Posted on 22 October 2009

originally uploaded by ☼emmaphotos.

When is “sorry” not enough?

It’s easy to stop restraining your own temper and hurt someone else because you’re tired or having a bad day. It’s often directed at the people with whom we’re the most comfortable and secure.

I’ve certainly done it – usually at my mother, children, or husband. And later, what a weak, mean schmuck I feel like.

So if you’re like me, you apologize and move on, right? And you get to feel all relieved, while the other person licks his/her wounds and has to just get over it. It helps if you know how to give a meaningful apology.

How to Apologize

Pick a time and place where you’ll have privacy and neither of you is rushed or distracted. But don’t wait too long. Arguments grow cold, resentments solidify, and the easy comfortableness of a relationship can wither.
Confess that you did wrong.
Acknowledge the damage to the other person. Stop and listen if you are guessing wrong.
Say, “I’m sorry.” The word “but” should not be anywhere near those two words. Not even in the same zip code.
Carefully consider whether explanations are helpful or if you are trying to justify your actions before you attempt to “put things in context.”
Say what you’re going to do to prevent the bad action in the future, and mean it.
Ask for forgiveness.
If you were hurt too, it’s legitimate to tell the other person so and say what explanations or future actions you want. But remember that your apology is not contingent on the other person’s. If you are truly considering the flaws in your own actions, you are not hinging your regrets or efforts to make amends on whether the other person is sorry too.
Do the preventative actions as you promised. For extra polish on your good soul, do them without calling attention to yourself.
Be extra kind for a little while.

And get on with life.

No one’s asking you to wear a hair shirt or feel pity for the person you hurt. Forgive yourself, but just expect that there are consequences for your actions and you must man up and deal with them. One of the consequences is that the other person may be more reserved for a while, if not permanently, depending on the nature of the conflict and whether your damage was habitual. You don’t get to have the stress relief of being abusive and then getting off scot-free by simply mouthing words or doing easy make-nice gestures; the other person, meanwhile, is hurt AND is having to tamp down a natural lash-back reflex when accepting the apology. People forgive, but the effects of your meanness linger. So who is the one who is really “paying” for it?

The other person is paying. And you should too.