12 Tips for Seniors Accepting Awards

by Carolyn

For high school parents, awards ceremonies are proud moments that last, roughly, a thousand painful years. It would help us pull out fewer tufts of our thinning hair if teens took a few precautions.

Rule of thumb: Just avoid the behaviors on stage that we’re always hissing at you to avoid in other formal situations. Be graceful. Present yourself well. Have a pleasant expression. Keep your hands out of your pockets. Don’t be nasty.

Here’s my how-to advice, based on a few cover-my-eyes moments when I winced or giggled during Monday night’s local high school senior awards ceremony:

1. Goodbye, Smacky. Unless Wrigley’s Spearmint Gum sponsored the event, don’t chew gum on stage. When you’re in the spotlight, all the smacking is really obvious.

2. Keep your hands off yourself. No adjusting bra straps, obsessively rearranging your bangs, stroking your beard (who are you, Freud?), scratching all the secret places that itch, licking your lips, rubbing your nose just before you shake the principal’s hand (and making his smile falter), or playing furiously in your pocket with your keys (God, I hope that’s your keys). And just for good measure, leave the inch-thick wallet at home or with your parents for safekeeping, fellows. Half of you on stage have one prominently square butt cheek.

3. Smile.

4. Don’t run through the handshaking at a gallop. At least pause for a momentary hand clasp, a direct look in the presenter’s eyes, and a quick “Thanks” before you move on.

5. Hi, thighs! Girls, take into account the shortness of your skirts and the height of the stage. Most of us don’t want to see your lady business.

6. Dress with care. Wear SOMETHING other than blue jeans with a sports jersey or T-shirt, because your folks are going to want a nice picture. Even if you’re nearly broke, Wal-Mart and Target sell something besides denim. Really.

7. Don’t stay glued in place. If everyone’s bunching up on the left side of the stage because you’re too oblivious to move to the right, eventually you’ll get a startling nudge and maybe stumble up there in front of everyone.

8. Is that the pitter-patter of … hooves? Are you girls wearing sandals that slap your heels like flip-flops, or did you get hard-soled high heels that sound like “rattle, rattle, here come cattle” on the hard floor of the stage? Walk softly and wear shoes that aren’t too noisy.

9. If it doesn’t fit, then you must use your wit. Body-hugging styles are beautiful, but they can put on the visual pounds and make you look sloppy if you overdo it. If your clothes or undies are tight enough to display deep grooves at your underwear’s elastic waistband and legs, they’re a little TOO tight. We don’t want to know how well your Hanes fit, mkay? And if you sit for any length of time in tight pants or skirts before the awards, you’re going to have crisp horizontal creases right across your hips, juuuust where you want everyone’s eyes focusing while you’re on stage. Not.

10. Nice bra! Bright lights make some thin, light clothing fabrics semi-transparent, especially without all the appropriate underwear. Probably not the look the girls are going for. (Camisoles. Slips. Half-slips. They still sell those, don’t they?)

11. Be peaceful and still — or at least just still. Swaying, rocking, twisting, and squirming in place is for when you’re making excuses to Mom and Dad. Some of you are gyrating onstage like the agitator in that new washing machine I want to buy.

12. Keep all the furniture on the balcony. If you girls are wearing a low-cut gown when you drop an awards certificate, then for heaven’s sake just kneel down with your knees (not bend over from the hips) to retrieve it. Otherwise, more of you may pop out to greet the audience than you intended. That’s another part of your lady business that Mom, Daddy, and Grandma in the audience don’t need to see. Otherwise, bring Grandma’s heart pills.

I’m participating in PureBlogging.com’s “How To - Group Writing Project.”

Photo credit: haledavid1@msn.com