I hope you’ll forgive me for one more follow-up about your comment on my haircut post; I found an article that expresses my outrage about that “I’m just being honest” comment far better than I could do. I wanted to pass it along:

http://www.ultimate-self.com/dealing-with-insults-put-downs-and-criticism/

Hope that it’s in some way useful. If nothing else, you’ll know others have dealt with unnecessary and hurtful comments like this before.

Hugs — Carolyn

Carolyn’s last blog post..47×365, No. 62 – L.W.

Awwwww! It sounds like your husband is using honesty as his excuse to be cruel. Forgive me, but that’s just bullshit. Who needs or wants that kind of honesty? He’s using it as a club.

If he were being honest without hostility, he could have said, “YOU are as sexy as ever, even though that’s maybe not my favorite haircut for you.” Still honest, still blunt, but a lot easier to hear, huh?

I don’t know him, of course — I’m just going with my gut reaction. And my reaction probably speaks more about my personal history than it does about him or you! /

You deserve to feel gorgeous, though. Shame on him for throwing up a cloud on your sunny day.

Carolyn’s last blog post..47×365, No. 62 – L.W.

Troubled too,
Juli

Thanks for your comment. I appreciate your efforts to reach out even though I don’t agree with your assessment or believe it fully applies to us. ;o)

First, I don’t see a haircut as getting a thing of beauty “lopped” off; I see it as sculpting something healthy and swingy out of something that was frumpy and directionless.

And you might say, “Ah, but what about what he thinks?” I’ll take that it into consideration because he matters to me, but I would resent keeping a style I had grown to dislike. I’d rather be hurt by his cool response than resentful and annoyed every time I look in the mirror. I have to be OK with me, even more than he does.

Just as background, because you and he differ in your intensity on this point, he’s not been *passionate* about my hair in our nearly 14-year marriage, even when it was waist-length. This haircut just took it up from shoulder length to chin length, so it wasn’t drastic. I’ll grant you that *if* it had been a critical matter of sexual attraction for him (and it isn’t), I might have hesitated longer. But he’s still perfectly willing and able to play tickle and grab.

But it’s not at that level for us anyway; he just doesn’t prefer short hair. And right now, I do. Since it’s on my head, not his, I get to choose anyway, no matter his level of disapproval. And knowing that, I chose to live with his predictable coolness in response. I don’t like it, but it’s outweighed by my satisfaction in looking better groomed with neatly trimmed hair.

Many good wishes to you and your wife about being in sync on this point. For hubby and me, we’re just going to have to live with this as one of the gaps in our otherwise very good match.

Carolyn’s last blog post..47×365, No. 62 – L.W.

Thanks for visiting my blog! I’m glad that you get why men’s possessiveness over their women’s hair is both flattering and annoying/painful at times, especially when they judge it critically. The world looks hard at women’s appearances, so it is a wounding place when you’re fat and aging, and it hurts when the person closest to you isn’t supportive. And it’s frustrating as an adult to feel like you have to get approval to change your looks or to deal with a partner’s presumptuous and proprietary attitudes when you don’t ask in advance. I don’t like to disappoint my husband, but I do want to manage my looks without someone else glaring at me about it.

In my experience, it’s been hard for men to separate their own egos from how their wives choose to present themselves. Hat’s off to YOU for managing that! ) Sometimes it just takes time and experience to get a glimpse of someone else’s world view and react more sympathetically and supportively.

In my case, I know my husband is gentle and well meaning in general. He just does not get this issue. Oh, and to date? As of today, 6-23-08, he’s said I look nice ONCE since this haircut (I had on a low-cut red dress he likes). That could hurt my feelings (and to be honest, it does, just a little) but I’m choosing to laugh: Apparently, I could shave my head and paint it blue … as long as the “gals” are on parade. P

Carolyn’s last blog post..47×365, No. 54 – Tony C.

Thanks for the hugs, and back atcha. He’s usually a “get it” kind of man, but he blew this one. I’ll probably tell him in a day or too how he blew it, then forgive. Or shave his head while he sleeps. One or the other. ;oP

Carolyn’s last blog post..My Husband Hates My Haircut