My Husband Hates My Haircut
My husband hates my haircut, and I kind of knew that was gonna happen. Like many men I’ve known – and both of my ex-husbands – he’s always felt rather proprietary about my hair, which both pleases and irks me. I’m pleased when he finds me attractive. But it’s still my hair. My head. You know?
It was just below shoulder length, and now the longest strands just reach the bottom of my ears. I’ve been tired of the old pageboy for a long, long, long time, because it doesn’t look like a definite style on me – just the outgrowth of someone who isn’t taking very good care of herself. Particularly because my hair has just enough of a wave in it that it goes flipping out and curling and frizzing in all directions by midday. Now it’s neater. Before, I was a fat woman with a messy hairdo that ended up tucked behind my ears by midmorning. I felt frumpy every time I looked in the mirror or glanced at other women’s hairstyles. Now I’m a fat woman who looks a lot tidier all day long, even when I first wake up. I’m looking in the mirror and thinking, “Fuck it, I look as good as I can right now.”
Does he look at me and think, “Where’s all the hair that was hiding her double chin?” or “God, she’s gotten old – I can’t believe I haven’t noticed until now.” I don’t know, because he hasn’t said one single word.
It’s been two days and he hasn’t said a thing. And it’s not that he hasn’t noticed. He’s the man who notices if I change my fingernail polish, use dark brown eyeliner instead of light brown, or get a run in my almost-invisible nude pantyhose. And he’s stood behind me, sat beside me, walked around me, looked directly at me, and leaned in to kiss me hello, goodbye, and good night. He was shoulder to shoulder with me at a soccer game yesterday when a friend pointed and squealed, “New haircut? Cuuuuute!” and I twirled my head a bit to let the locks flip around, then I smiled and said thanks.
He’s noticed.
He’s at least gone from being sullen when I got the cut on Friday to being lightly friendly again as of yesterday afternoon. And so have I. Because my feelings and ego are hurt, I started to just freeze him out until he at least acknowledged the hairstyle change, but that’s child’s play – a cowardly way of expressing myself. I will probably tell him what I feel tonight if he hasn’t said something by then.
And you know what? I’m pissed. Really, truly, profoundly pissed. I’m the woman he supposedly wants to take to bed on a regular basis. It’s to his advantage to let me know he thinks I’m pretty. And he’s made his point – that he now sees me as less attractive – and I am fucking bitter about it. Thanks for boosting the ol’ confidence about my sexual attractiveness there, hon. I’m 47 and I look it, and I need all the confidence boosters I can get.
I truly don’t expect him to be dishonest if he’s uncomfortable with the social niceties of white lies. I’ve been in the position of either telling white lies or being honest as gently as possible myself. He’s been wanting to get his head closely shaved for many months because he’s suddenly, rapidly going bald right on his front hairline, where he’s developing a little island of hair that drives him to despair. I’m not looking forward to his super-short hairstyle and have told him so. But I’ve also said, “Go ahead and get it done if you want. I’ll still love you, still think you’re my handsome man, even if the haircut isn’t my first choice for you. And besides, I’m kinds of curious to see how it feels – every time I see a guy with one of those plush velour trims, I want to rub his head. You’ll probably have to endure me monkeying around with your hair on a regular basis, that’s all.”)
I know him and don’t expect him to lie to me, especially since we both know what he thinks about this stupid haircut.
He could at least have the inner fortitude and the social grace to look at me, smile, and say, “You look nice today, baby,” because – despite the haircut – I still do. I’m still the same woman under the hair, you know.
To say nothing? That’s hurtful and cowardly.
And I am hurt. To the point where, if he ever does say I look nice again, I will probably not be able to stop myself from tearing up. And that will piss me off WORSE, because I freakin’ hate to cry.
Part of me thinks, “Oh, just shut up – you don’t need his approval. No one needs to say anything.” And I’m mad at myself for wanting his approval. But to be perfectly honest, I do need his approval, even if he doesn’t like the choices I’ve made. I still need to know I’m OK for him. And right now I don’t.
And, honey, if you’re reading this and thinking about complimenting me belatedly — just don’t. We should talk instead.
UPDATE: See a follow-up post here, where I’m more comfortable with his haircut disapproval.
Technorati Tags: white lies, honesty, husband, short haircut
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11 comments
Hi, you just started following me on Twitter so I’m doing what I always do–checking out who’s checking me out.
What a lovely sad post. I’m 47 as well and married and I never get compliments and I miss that–a lot.
But your specific situation at the mo. It sucks. Men in general just do not get it.
(((hugs)))
C.
Hey, Cyn,
Thanks for the hugs, and back atcha. He’s usually a “get it” kind of man, but he blew this one. I’ll probably tell him in a day or too how he blew it, then forgive. Or shave his head while he sleeps. One or the other. ;oP
Carolyn’s last blog post..My Husband Hates My Haircut
Well I think that at first I didn’t really get it but my wife is a stylist and I’ve certainly changed the way I feel about her and her hair over the time we’ve been married so in response to one of the comments here.. as a guy I didn’t get it at first but I get it now.
Hi, Dan,
Thanks for visiting my blog! I’m glad that you get why men’s possessiveness over their women’s hair is both flattering and annoying/painful at times, especially when they judge it critically. The world looks hard at women’s appearances, so it is a wounding place when you’re fat and aging, and it hurts when the person closest to you isn’t supportive. And it’s frustrating as an adult to feel like you have to get approval to change your looks or to deal with a partner’s presumptuous and proprietary attitudes when you don’t ask in advance. I don’t like to disappoint my husband, but I do want to manage my looks without someone else glaring at me about it.
In my experience, it’s been hard for men to separate their own egos from how their wives choose to present themselves. Hat’s off to YOU for managing that! :o) Sometimes it just takes time and experience to get a glimpse of someone else’s world view and react more sympathetically and supportively.
In my case, I know my husband is gentle and well meaning in general. He just does not get this issue. Oh, and to date? As of today, 6-23-08, he’s said I look nice ONCE since this haircut (I had on a low-cut red dress he likes). That could hurt my feelings (and to be honest, it does, just a little) but I’m choosing to laugh: Apparently, I could shave my head and paint it blue … as long as the “gals” are on parade. :oP
Carolyn’s last blog post..47×365, No. 54 - Tony C.
I am sorry that you feel so hurt, Carolyn. But there are some men who really, REALLY love long hair. I am one. A man can’t just turn off his passion for those physical features that he finds hot. Did you know he disliked short hair before you married him? If so, you should not be puzzled by his disappointment. Hopefully, he loves you enough that you’ll both get through this just fine.
P.S. It isn’t necessarily ego OR need for control on his part. He simply may not understand why you chose to lop off a feature which he clearly found sensuous. Men’s tastes in women do NOT always match women’s tastes for other women. If you want him to find you hot, and you should, I think, then value his opinion. Even if it makes no sense to you. Believe me, I have no idea why a woman would find ANY *man* attractive, so I have to listen to my wife. (LOL)
Hi, Rob,
Thanks for your comment. I appreciate your efforts to reach out even though I don’t agree with your assessment or believe it fully applies to us. ;o)
First, I don’t see a haircut as getting a thing of beauty “lopped” off; I see it as sculpting something healthy and swingy out of something that was frumpy and directionless.
And you might say, “Ah, but what about what he thinks?” I’ll take that it into consideration because he matters to me, but I would resent keeping a style I had grown to dislike. I’d rather be hurt by his cool response than resentful and annoyed every time I look in the mirror. I have to be OK with me, even more than he does.
Just as background, because you and he differ in your intensity on this point, he’s not been *passionate* about my hair in our nearly 14-year marriage, even when it was waist-length. This haircut just took it up from shoulder length to chin length, so it wasn’t drastic. I’ll grant you that *if* it had been a critical matter of sexual attraction for him (and it isn’t), I might have hesitated longer. But he’s still perfectly willing and able to play tickle and grab.
But it’s not at that level for us anyway; he just doesn’t prefer short hair. And right now, I do. Since it’s on my head, not his, I get to choose anyway, no matter his level of disapproval. And knowing that, I chose to live with his predictable coolness in response. I don’t like it, but it’s outweighed by my satisfaction in looking better groomed with neatly trimmed hair.
Many good wishes to you and your wife about being in sync on this point. For hubby and me, we’re just going to have to live with this as one of the gaps in our otherwise very good match.
Carolyn’s last blog post..47×365, No. 62 - L.W.
Hi. I found your blog from a google search for “my husband hates my hair” - lol. I got my haircut today, and I didn’t expect my husband to like it, but it goes beyond that. I’ve had haircuts before that he didn’t like, and usually I get a compliment or two from other women, but not enough to make me feel that I’ve done something truly wonderful with my appearance. I usually end up letting the hair grow back out some, and then I end up wearing it under bandanas and hats, or pulled back for quite awhile before working up the courage to try to have it cut again. Today has been very different, though. I’ve had compliment after compliment from people, and I believe them to all be sincere. I was really riding on a high for awhile, but then my husband came in. He told me that it looked like a lawn mower got ahold of the back of my head. He also told me that people were complimenting me just because there was a change, and they probably just wanted to make me feel better. I almost started crying, and I told him that I really thought at least some of the compliments were sincere. He told me that he was just being honest, and what did I want - for him to lie? I said, no you don’t have to lie, but you don’t have to be mean about it. He said he wasn’t being mean, just honest. So, here I am with a hair cut that I think is more flattering on me than I’ve had in years, but if it’s going to cause this much trouble with my husband, I’m considering letting it grow again.
Troubled too,
Juli
Hey, Juli,
Awwwww! It sounds like your husband is using honesty as his excuse to be cruel. Forgive me, but that’s just bullshit. Who needs or wants that kind of honesty? He’s using it as a club.
If he were being honest without hostility, he could have said, “YOU are as sexy as ever, even though that’s maybe not my favorite haircut for you.” Still honest, still blunt, but a lot easier to hear, huh?
I don’t know him, of course — I’m just going with my gut reaction. And my reaction probably speaks more about my personal history than it does about him or you! :o/
You deserve to feel gorgeous, though. Shame on him for throwing up a cloud on your sunny day.
Carolyn’s last blog post..47×365, No. 62 - L.W.
Julie,
I hope you’ll forgive me for one more follow-up about your comment on my haircut post; I found an article that expresses my outrage about that “I’m just being honest” comment far better than I could do. I wanted to pass it along:
http://www.ultimate-self.com/dealing-with-insults-put-downs-and-criticism/
Hope that it’s in some way useful. If nothing else, you’ll know others have dealt with unnecessary and hurtful comments like this before.
Hugs — Carolyn
Carolyn’s last blog post..47×365, No. 62 - L.W.
[...] been interesting to read over this post again and see how I’ve gotten more confident that I made the right choice for me. Yeah, I got [...]
[...] blog not long ago that troubled me. A haircut turned in to a very tough situation for her. Here is the post. Then, after some reflection on the situation, Carolyn filed this post where she has [...]
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