Help Me Grievously Ground a Slumping Senior
What would you do with a 17-year-old senior with Attention Deficit Disorder (ADD) who’s failing a class (for the second time), mainly because she’s forgetting to turn in easy assignments and is skipping class? We were dropping her off at school at 6:05 a.m. for before-school tutoring in a daily session her math teacher graciously hosts for free. We just found out Friday — and confirmed today — that she skipped her 7 a.m. first-period class and may be leaving the math study session early. We assume that one of her friends who has study hall first period is once again picking her up for a morning Starbucks run. Even worse, when she is in the study sessions, she’s not asking the teacher for help. If she did, she would be getting extra credits. This is for the class where she has a 70 average.
- Her stepfather has been getting up at 5:30 a.m. five days a week — three of them on his ONLY DAYS OFF — to have her to the before-school tutoring sessions.
- We’ve been paying for private math tutoring at the library 2-3 times a week.
- We’re taking her to a counselor for her ADD and have been working with different medicines to help her with alertness and focus (still in progress).
- We check her grades and attendance 1-2 times a week and ask her every day if she has any homework and if she’s done it.
I don’t know what else to do. I am NOT going to give up on her, but I am facing the fact that the problem is hers, not mine. In the meantime, I’m trying to make the consequences of her most recent class skipping pretty heinous since this isn’t the first time she’s pulled such a stunt.
What Are the Righteous Consequences?
Her prom is next weekend. We’ve already spent a fortune on her dress, which can’t be returned since it’s been altered. Would you let her go? I’m agonizing over this. I tend to be the one with the marshmallow spine, who says “Aww …” at her big green-brown eyes filling up with tears. And there’s the sentimental component of it being her senior year. And her date has already rented a tux. And she’s paid for part of a limo. And $75 for tickets. It would hurt her to lose the prom experience, sure. But would it make a difference?
I already plan to take away her cell phone and computer for several weeks (perhaps until college starts this fall), even though that means I’ll then have to guard the house phone and our computers with my life; that will hurt, because she’s in a long-distance relationship. I’ve also arranged with the match teacher to attend the study sessions with her each morning for the next few weeks, starting tomorrow. (Goodbye, sleep — I’ll miss ya.) I’ve even called her friend’s mom to alert her to the fact that the friend might have been out of class too.
If she does flop and has to go to summer school, the cost is coming out of her savings. And she won’t be allowed to take her final driver’s license test in a couple of weeks like she’s been counting on. And I’m thinking of making her take a manual labor job at my company this summer so she’ll get a taste of what’s coming in her life if she doesn’t straighten up; she can’t start that job until she’s 18 in late July, but until then I can park her at my office cubicle with me every summer morning while she works her way through her algebra book again. I’m willing to purchase her used book from the school AND a teacher’s version online. I’ve also got a lock somewhere that makes it impossible for her to plug in her TV; I’ll have to look for that now.
And we HAD been planning to send her to a private college because it focuses on art — her true love, and a topic that we hope will inspire her to actually, you know, ATTEND class. I wonder now if we should spend tens of thousands if she’s not putting in the effort. But why waste a lesser amount at a more general liberal arts public university that is less likely to engage her interest? Maybe the child should work for a few years instead. But she would lose two very nice scholarships.
So. Frustrated.
Additional Drastic Attention-Getting Ideas I’ve Considered
- Taking away her jeans and shorts for the summer. If she wants to go out, she can wear dresses. (This will KILL her.)
- Taking away her leave-the-house privileges this summer. (Again … agony for her.)
- Removing the door to her room so we can better monitor when she’s working rather than goofing off. (Again … torture.)
I want to get her attention because, like I said, not giving up on her. So … consequences? I’m looking for something truly HEINOUS, folks. Nothing else seems to make an impression. Just a few weeks of school are left.
I’m open to your suggestions.
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2 comments
Here’s the thing about ADD. Consequences don’t stay in the forebrain very long. Really. Ask any ADD kid who has done something wrong AGAIN and they’ll tell you they know better. Now. But then, at the moment, that knowledge didn’t exist for them. So punishment, consequences–they don’t help. In fact, they just add to the burden the ADD kid feels about never doing anything right. You’re assuming that what works for a normally=brained child will work for your daughter. If she had diabetes, would you punish her because her pancreas wasn’t functioning properly?
I’ve been where your daughter is. And I’ve also been a counselor who specializes in ADD. I really do know what I’m talking about.
ByJane’s last blog post..WTF, Again
Hi, Jane,
I appreciate your very real concern and your advocacy for my child. No worries on her behalf. I cooled off, as I always do, before my husband and I addressed this with her in a responsible way. Huffing and puffing on paper (or cyberspace) about my frustration is one way I deal with ire. It’s also useful to hear how others respond.
I don’t find the analogy to diabetes entirely apropos, though. Here’s how I see it: I wouldn’t punish her for having diabetes. But I would punish her for not taking her insulin or monitoring her diet, and I’d also punish her for lying when her omissions were discovered. That’s what Ginny’s done — not even attempted to make use of the tools we’ve given her for managing her condition (we dropped her off at school for tutoring, but she either slipped off to the library or off for coffee with a friend), and then she was dishonest when caught.
Similarly, I wouldn’t punish a diabetic person for going into a coma, but I would punish her for recklessly creating the circumstances in which a coma is more likely — thus endangering herself.
I know she doesn’t have much internal order and that she struggles with her (mild) ADD. That’s why we bend over backwards to help her daily and to help impose an external sense of order. You don’t get a full picture of that from a limited blog post, of course. It’s a tough call sometimes — when to help, when to talk it out, and when to tap your foot and stare and expect more. It’s easy to be sympathetic, but it’s tough to extract from her what she’s able to give with just the right balance of help and expectations for her to help herself. To judge — is this ADD, or is this laziness or lack of responsibility? Having ADD doesn’t preclude also having the correctable issues.
I can’t be the little engine pushing her train always — she has to bear some of the load herself. More each year, in fact. :o)
Best, Carolyn
Carolyn’s last blog post..47×365, #6 - Uncle Tommy
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