What decent people do

I remember when I was in college. I wasn’t super experienced sexually but I really, really liked this very charming blonde boy I had just started dating. And I liked to drink because it tasted good and was fun.

We had been out bar hopping, and then we ended up parked somewhere, making out. I had drunk too much and was not in good control of myself. I would get into the making out, then kind of “wake up” and decide this was really inappropriate for the short time I’d known him. I’d stop him, and then in a little while we’d be making out again. At some point, he just stopped altogether and said he was really confused by my yes-no-yes-no … did I want to have sex with him or not? Through my booze fog, I decided that I did not.

And you know what? He was a good guy about it. He didn’t get mad or yell or try to force me or even shame me. He said okay and took me home to my dorm, and he went back to his for the night. We took it a little slower, ended up with a happy sex life and continued dating throughout college, and we got married. The marriage only lasted about four years, but he was a decent man, despite our differences.

The morning after that make-out incident with him, I realized that I’d put myself in a really vulnerable position by having so much alcohol I was verging on being black-out drunk. It took me a while to clean up my act in that regard and to drink in moderation, if at all. But he didn’t take advantage of me.

Not every man or boy will sexually assault someone if given the chance.

Not every man is a Brett Kavanaugh. Or a Donald Trump.

I’m thankful they are not the norm, but I’m wondering where are the decent men who have higher standards for themselves and others. Why aren’t they speaking up and taking action? Why am I hearing mostly women’s voices (and not every woman, at that)?

In a broader sense than just discussing sexual misconduct, I’m fearful for my country, my fellow women, minorities, immigrants, the poor and the middle class under the current U.S. executive, judicial and legislative leadership. I’m yearning to hear from the DECENT Americans that as a whole we are good people who can show restraint, good judgment, tolerance, generosity and kindness. And not just words … I need to see votes, concrete action and active opposition to the assholization of America.

I’m hoping — fiercely — that I will feel renewed faith in my fellow Americans from the Nov. 6 election results. For the first time in my life, I’m voting a straight Democratic ticket instead of judging individual candidates on their merits, because to do anything else would be to endorse the dark path our country is on. We don’t need any more arrogant and greedy sociopaths in office, and we don’t need people who will compromise their values (assuming they have such). Nor do we need any more weak go-along-to-get-along politicians.

We need you to help make that happen. YOU need you to help make that happen.


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Journalism: This is my fight song

I can’t believe that THIS is what our country has come too. I became a journalist because I’m an idealist. Most did.

This is my fight song.

Brace yourself for a long-winded response to uninformed media critics, including our presidential liar-in-chief. And pick up your hankies and smelling salts if you think you might faint at a profanity or three; this isn’t the essay for you.

I posted a simple meme on Facebook that just said, “They defend our freedom without a gun. Thank a journalist for their service.” (The editor in me wants to change that meme to “his or her service,” but I digress.)

And one relative responds with denigrating snark, while another essentially says, “Sure, you’re ethical, but most people in your field are not.” Now hold onto my head so it doesn’t actually explode. I am SO SICK of lazy-ass bigots using me and my colleagues as a scapegoat for their own discomfort at hearing that the president they elected is a dangerous and amoral loon.

SOOOOOOOO … here’s what I posted in response to those two cousins who I love but kind of want to choke this morning. Read and reflect.


Don’t be disingenuous. You’re trying to justify using an unfounded generality in a major smear campaign against my profession. And I won’t let you off that hook.

There are idiots and lying scumbags in EVERY field — say, in sheriff’s offices in Texas, as you may find if you peruse your former co-workers — and journalism is no different. But just like most people in life are decent, honest and ethical folks on the whole, so are journalists. They don’t have a disproportionate share of asshats, as evidenced by our asshat of a president and people in every other field, because they can easily point to dozens of unethical and stupid asshats.

It’s frankly lazy as shit of you and Bruce to just squeal, “Fake news!” because you heard your idiot-in-chief repeat it enough times until it turns into brainwashing-level indoctrination. You have NO BASIS for trying stupidly to indict an entire profession just because it’s inconvenient for you to critically examine a known liar, moral-free jackass who currently resides at 1600 Pennsylvania Ave. NW, Washington, D.C.

How about — instead of doubling down on the bullshit– you for a moment walk a mile in my shoes? Take a look:

ONE: I work for low wages in a high-stress, high-pressure, highly public field that is open to public scrutiny — IN PRINT — every single week. In past years, I’ve done it every single day when I worked for dailies. I’ve been in this field for most of my professional life, which started back in 1985; I have a few turns around the track on my resume. And most journalists have lifelong careers in the field or in related fields, because it’s not something you just wander into without really investing yourself in it.

TWO: An entitled and stupid president who just doesn’t like being called on his documented lies and bullshit decides to start a public, highly vocal, widespread and completely uninformed and petulant smear campaign against your profession. A difficult profession where you invest your whole heart for low wages and high stress because you just freaking love it and you think you make a difference in a messy and damaged world for the betterment of everyone. One major reason you love it is that you help to lift the veil of ignorance for your fellow citizens; you go to the many-hours-long board meetings and pore over city budgets and police reports. You interview people who want to squeal on an illegal business just down the street from them, and you talk to business owners about their successes, and you cover the sad story when an innocent family’s gorgeous home accidentally burns to the ground. You put your heart and brain and everything you’ve got into the work. And when you think of your readers, you think about the fact that in some ways you’re their spokesman who knows how to speak truth to power and how to research and how to write stories that inform, entertain and provoke thought.

So then there’s this very prominent babbling shit-gibbon of a president spewing a river of bullshit — with bobbing chunks of malice swirling in the currents — about you and your kind.

[This note was in my original post to my cousin on Facebook, FYI. – cb] Jan: At least one of your past jobs was as a skip tracer for a sheriff’s office in Texas, right? So I’ll use that as an example below. Buckle up. (IMPORTANT CAVEAT: If you know me at all, you know that NONE of what I’m writing in the point below is what I really think about your field; I have respect for you and your work. I’m going to smack it around for a few sentences, though, to give you the feels on this.)

THREE: Let’s say that the governor of Texas is a major media hog, embroiled in scandals and lawsuits, with demonstrated unethical practices in both his personal and professional life. And let’s say he has some weight to throw around. And because he has a personal bug up his ass about law enforcement, let’s say he works into every speech something like this: “Well, as you know, I’m a stable genius — believe me, I’m bigly awesome — but I can’t seem to get it through the abnormally thick skulls and inbred brains of the lying idiots in XYZ County’s sheriff’s office. I mean, there’s no wonder they are underpaid — they’re not worth more! I have caught them in so many lies; it’s unbelievable. You won’t believe the number of bribes they take, and the laws they break themselves, all the time. The so-called ‘sovereign citizens’ have it right — ‘Fuck the police,’ and ‘Fuck the sheriff’s deputies.’ They are all incompetent, manipulative and disgusting people who would rather lie than breathe. I’m just telling the truth!”

And let’s say his crowd of head-nodding bobbleheads starts chanting — at every public appearance he makes — “Fake police! Police brutality! Fuck the thin blue line! Have you challenged an officer tonight? LET’S DO IT!”

Every. Single. Time. He. Speaks. For a year. And he’s broadcast to a world of people who are fed up with challenges in their own lives and who are feeling very put-upon by life in general, so they are eager to find some scapegoat for their collective discontent.

And then let’s say you go on Facebook with people you love who decide it would be fun to tell ya, “Well, YOU seem okay, but most of the people who you work with and respect are really just scumbags. You can’t get mad at me for telling the truth!”

Yeah. I can.

I know who the liars and unethical people are. And they are not me and my colleagues.

FOUR, to my cousins and the world: Do you maybe, kinda, sorta, just a little bit, a teensy-weensy bit, GET IT now?

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Dia’s magic for the fat gal’s closet

I’ve been pretty happy with the clothes my Dia.com stylist picked for me the past couple of months. We’re still getting to know each other, so I’ve had a few returns, but she’s also found some things within my budget that delight me — no easy feat when you’re plus-sized.

Biggest hits so far:

  • A denim jacket I just couldn’t say no to, and I cannot wait until it’s cool enough to wear it.
  • A soft “vegan leather” clutch purse in a neutral shade of wine/brown that goes with everything.
  • My white jeans that fit like a dream, even on my fat butt and poochy stomach. ;o)
  • A navy blouse with a super flattering neckline.

Biggest regrets so far:

  • A gorgeous white linen blouse that was perfect in every way except for how the front buttons gapped across the bust. That would drive me crazy to have to use double-sided tape to keep that shut. Also, I know I’m too damned lazy to iron linen regularly. So I sent it back. With a lump in my throat!
  • I haven’t found a summery maxi dress from them yet. Both they have sent me are that cheap-feeling double-knit polyester, and y’all, I have already lived through the ’70s once and don’t intend to do so again. (It’s kind of odd, because every other single thing they have sent me has been really high quality material and well-made.) Mostly, I didn’t like the loosely gathered waists. I’m just too big for that. I need an empire waist or no waist.

Verdict on Dia.com: RECOMMENDED to any of my plus-sized gal friends. You pay $20 a month for the stylist fee; if you keep any of the five things they send you, the $20 gets deducted from that. If you buy all 5 things, they add an additional discount. You can ship back any returns or exchanges for free. (Shipping to you is free too.)

I haven’t taken any photos of me in my Dia clothes yet, but you can see some other Dia customers in their new duds over here: https://www.dia.com/gallery.

SPECIAL REQUEST & FULL DISCLOSURE: If you decide to check it out, please consider using this link — I get a little kickback if you give them a try: https://www.dia.com/r/1i3e4. Thanks!

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